Word to the Wise 2

Written on a t-shirt worn by Minoru:
If you can't take the heat, don't tickle the dragon.

En Garde!

Rahan - Hey, Stranger... where have you been?

Halcyon - My mother is in town.

Rahan - Are you going to bring her by so we can all feast on your misery?

Halcyon - My mother isn't miserable.

Rahan - Hmmm... where do you get it from then, I wonder?

Halcyon - My dad. Come to think of it, you totally remind me of him.

Silence.

Rahan - Touche.

Halycon - Out of my way, amateur.

Do Over! 3

Rahan - I don't know what the big stink is about, I kind of like the makeover.

Minoru - You're also blind in one eye. Did you notice how they installed a pole on my stage? I suppose that makes me a stripper now.

Rahan - The line between gogo boy and stripper is a blurry one indeed.

Minoru - Easy for you to say, One-Eye.

Rahan - Cram it, Stripper.

Damdam - Gear down, boys... it's all fun and games until someone loses an-

Silence.

Rahan - You were saying?

Damdam - Nothing.

Rahan - I do love it when you draw your advice from the personal experience well. How IS your lawn dart game these days?

Minoru - Wow, D. You're in an even bigger need of a do-over than the Candystick makeover. Impressive.

Do Over! 2

Shamrock - So... what do you think of the makeover?

Halcyon - I don't. You?

Shamrock - It makes me feel-

Halcyon - Angry?

Shamrock - Violated.

Halcyon - Not in the good way, I bet.

Shamrock - Even my calming Buddha mind is no match for the psychotic use of colour.

Do Over!

Kansas on the hasty and unexpected Candystick Gogo Funtimes Bar renovation - They say misery loves company. Apparently, the other thing misery loves is a mediocre makeover.

Love is Blind?

Minoru on last night's blind date - I've been thinking about him all day... which is weird because all I usually think about is me.

Work Daze

Halcyon - When Mondays are this good, you start to feel bad for the other days of the week. I mean... how can they possibly compete?

Shamrock - Ah sarcasm... 'the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.' Dostoevsky.

Halcyon - 'A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker.' Buddha.

Silence.

Shamrock - I should have seen that coming.

Halcyon - A mile away.

The Other Shoe Drops...

Damdam - They say the nice thing about suffering Crippling Disappointment after Crippling Disappointment is that the bounce-back gets easier over time.

Rahan - We don't have time. Hey Kansas, what do you recommend for Crippling Disappointment?

Kansas - Tequila Sweeney.

Damdam - Never heard of it.

Kansas - Five shots of Tequila over Maraschino Cherry and Orange Juices in a tall glass on the rocks.

Rahan - Two Tequila Sweeneys-

Damdam - Four-

Rahan - Four Tequila Sweeneys. And a bucket. And an ambulance.

Damdam - That seems about right.

By Your Command...

Scrawled in red pen on one of the drink menus at the bar:
BE A MAGNIFICENT QUEEN IN A WORLD WHERE MEDIOCRITY IS KING.

Feeling Groovy?

Written on a t-shirt worn by Minoru:
Being cautiously optimistic is like having half an orgasm. At the end of the day, they are both completely impossible and totally unsatisfying.

Eeny Meeny Miny Mo...

Halcyon on her sexual identity - I prefer the term Bislexic to Lesbian. I've tried sleeping with both sexes, I mean... who doesn't want to be bisexual? It's the perfect preference... but, at the end of the day, men just aren't sexy to me.

Taster's Choice

Damdam - Do you want to stay and watch the Amalgam of the Parenthea?

Rahan - What are they? Rock band? Freak show? Magic Act? It's impossible to tell from the poster.

Damdam - I dunno-

Rahan - And what does Amalgam of the Parenthea even mean? What happened to names like Stab the Bishop or Murdering Nancy? With names like that, you always knew exactly what you were getting.

Damdam - Well... whatever they are, they look epic.

Rahan - Ugh. Epic is so in right now. It makes all my comforting banalities seem that much more... banal.

Silence.

Damdam - I'll get the bill-

Rahan - No, no... we're staying. I'm in the mood to really resent something.

What Time Is It?

Scrawled under the clock hanging over the hallway leading to the bathrooms:
Time to goose the Good Times Kamikaze! Get ready to lay the party egg!

Meet 'n' Greet

Minoru on seeing his most recent ex – It was like crossing the desert; initially, there was something exciting about it… How hot will it get? Will I be able to cope? But it didn't take long before I was dripping in sweat, it felt like I was breathing fire, and the oasis of interesting conversation was nothing more than a mirage.

Testing...

Halcyon - You’re having another Confusion Pizza?

Rahan - I love it.

Halcyon - You know there’s no real confusion in the pizza, right?

Rahan - You’re saying the confusion is artificial?

Halcyon - I’m saying the confusion is not real.

Rahan - Like not organic?

Silence.

Halcyon - Yes, that's right. Not organic. The confusion is farmed at a place where they use lots of harsh pesticides.

Rahan - But the rest of the pizza is organic, so... that's not too terrible, is it? They say you are what you eat.

Halcyon - Speaking of which... did you happen to enjoy an Annoying Sundae earlier today?

New Girl 3

Minoru - Get the feeling people here are talking about you?

New Serving Girl - Yeah.

Minoru - That's because they are. I like your t-shirt.

New Serving Girl - Thanks.

Minoru - What's your name?

New Serving Girl - Halcyon.

Minoru - Welcome aboard, Halcyon. The Candystick Gogo Funtimes Bar is where all your dreams are going to come true.

Silence.

Halcyon - My t-shirt reads "Underrated," not "Unintelligent."

Minoru - I'm going to like you a lot, I can already tell.

New Girl 2

Damdam - So... what do you think of the new serving girl?

Rahan - I'm tired of thinking.

Damdam - Well... that certainly explains your shoes.

Rahan - There's nothing wrong with my shoes.

Damdam - My point exactly. I fear thinking is becoming terminally underrated.

Rahan - Like the new serving girl?

Damdam - You think she's underrated?

Rahan - I know she's underrated. It says so on her shirt.

New Girl

Kansas - You know what I hate about the new serving girl?

Shamrock - That she's a better bartender than you?

Silence.

Shamrock - I suppose I should have just let you answer your own question.

Kansas - That would have been smarter, yes. Which ironically is what I hate about the new serving girl.

Silence.

Shamrock - If I wasn't so Buddhist this would be very awkward.

He loves me... He loves me not...

Kansas - So, what did you tell him?

Minoru - I asked him if he loved me enough to forget the things I said... or if my comments were keeping his memory in check.

Kansas - And?

Minoru - Apparently, love is not only blind, but it's got a memory like a steel trap.

Kansas - You wanna know the other little-known thing about love? It's the reason they invented tequila.

Finders Keepers

Rahan - Did you eat all the revenge rolls?

Damdam - Here's the thing-

Rahan - There's a thing? Why is there always a thing?

Damdam - That's the thing, and this is DEFINITELY a thing.

Silence.

Rahan - You exhaust me.

A Rose by Any Other Name?

Kansas on his runny nose - This cold makes me feel miserable in a completely different way every time I wake up... I'm going to start calling it Sybil.

Dinner Date

Shamrock to Minoru concerning a misunderstanding over an upcoming social engagement - Come as you are is NOT the same thing as pot luck... unless you happen to walk around Okinawa with a casserole dish lodged under your arm.

Going Down?

Written on the wall in ballpoint pen above one of the toilets in the men's bathroom:
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, more! Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila, floor.

Spilled Milk

Shamrock - Why so glum, chum?

Minoru - The awesome trick I had up my sleeve dropped onto the floor when I took off my shirt.

T.M.I.

Damdam - That new gogo boy is about as sexy as an iron lung.

Rahan - I'm sure there are people out there who find iron lungs sexy.

Silence.

Damdam - Are you one of those people?

Rahan - In principle or practice?

Silence.

Damdam - I'll arrange a lap dance with the iron lung gogo boy for you.

Rahan - Thank you.

Damadam - Don't mention it. Seriously. Ever again.

Word to the Wise 2

Written over the mirror in the men's bathroom:
Don't like what you see? Liberally apply some miracle cream, and pull a marvelous day out of your ass. Go ahead... make your day.

You Say Potato...

Kansas on Hollywood - When exactly did the mediocre became the ruling class?

Point of View

Rahan - That was disturbing.

Damdam - You think so? I would have gone for cataclysmic. Just for the record.

Rahan - But you're a drama queen.

The Proof is in the Pudding...

Written on the t-shirt worn by Minoru:
If this was the easy way out, things are worse than I thought.

Today's Special?

Damdam - Ew... Spicy Cat in a Hot Pot is the special.

Rahan - You skipped the word fish... it's Spicy Cat Fish.

Damdam - I probably did that on purpose.

Rahan - You'd rather eat cat?

Silence.

Damdam - I'm not sure how to answer that without sounding like a total bastard.

Out of the Frying Pan...

Damdam - I don't know which is worse; mosquitoes or leeches.

Rahan - Either way you're an all-you-can-eat buffet. And you can stop eying that bucket of leeches behind me, I'm not stupid.

Cheers!

Hanging from the giant stuffed moose head behind the bar:
I still dream. What's your excuse?

Who are you?

Shamrock (the giant blond cherub-faced Buddhist bouncer) - Whenever I see someone with a fake ID, I always like to convince them that the ID is the truth and they are the lie.

Sign of the Times

Posted above the front door:
The Candystick Gogo Funtimes Bar is owned and operated by The Good Intentions Corporation. The Good Intentions Corporation - happily paving The Road to Hell since 1957.

Too Much Information

Damdam - Itching is like Heroin. Once you start, you can never stop.

Rahan - Is that why you're bleeding?

Damdam - No; I'm bleeding because I tried the Sharpshot Margarita.

Today's Special

Found in the menu ---> Don't eat your feelings, eat our food instead! Try our Spicy Revenge Rolls! Feast on our Confusion Pizza! Relish our house specialty, Dusky Toast!

Lost and Found

Kansas (the hot dark-haired bartender) - If you see Rahan, tell him I have his innocence in the tip jar.

Word to the Wise

Written in a stall in the men's bathroom ---> Tequila is the new yoga.

Gossip Thunder

Damdam - Rahan, I have news! News that defies imagining.

Rahan - I can't imagine what it would be.

Silence.

Damdam - You sure know how to steal my gossip thunder with your sheer stupidity, don't you?"